Dem's Some Crazy Bitches

I have come to the conclusion, after careful in-depth analysis, that everyone from Lexington, Kentucky is crazy. I have yet to meet a sane person from this city. Let's take a few examples.



Lisa: The first time I met this woman, she was drinking straight vodka with hot sauce. Within five minutes, I had felt her up so that I could tell her that yes, in fact, her augmented breasts were of the highest quality. Then she spent most of the night dancing in a cage at the decadence ball. Basically, she is Patsy Stone on crack. Lots of it.


Janie: Lisa's younger sister. It shows. Last night I met up with her and some others at Trolly Stop. She had basically started drinking and consuming prescription drugs at 11:00 am. By 12:30 that night, she was gone. She had been at the Pontchartrain Hotel for the past three hours drinking straight Maker's Mark. It took as atleast 30 minutes to get her out of the restaurant. This was after she decided that all she needed was a creamer (for her coffee), a packet of Equal (it served no purpose), a toothpick (for her teeth), and a bottle of maple syrup (just because). We wound up bringing the bottle of syrup home with us. I am sure that the people at Trolly Stop don't mind. They were just happy to get rid of us.


Caitlin: 14 and built like Marilyn Monroe. Not kidding. This child could probably drink a sailor under the table, where she would then have her way with him. The amount of pot she smokes also amazes me to no end. Basically, Janie and Caitlin, mother and daughter, are the same person.


Last night, at Trolly Stop, I was transported to and trapped in a parallel universe that is Lexington. It was at once one of the scariest an most entertaining moments of my life. And dear god, these people are here for a whole week. Wish me luck.

 
It finally happened. After 101 years, the queen mother has finally gone on to the big tea time in the sky.

 
I am fairly sure my life couldn't be more tragic if I tried right now. I assumed that I would be having a weekend of decadence since the family is out of town (you know, to celebrate the end of Lent). Yesterday, I found out just how wrong I was.

I came home and immediately poured myself a glass of wine, only to find my house shortly thereafter invaded by Cassie and John, who dragged me down to the French Market to meet Cassie's aunt and cousins who were in town. After a few beers and daquiris and shopping, we found ourselves at Angeli's. It was here that I started to feel not quite so good. Of course, unlike sensible people, this did not deter me from eating a massive burger and fries.

After returning to Cassie's aunt's hotel (where I spent the entire time curled up in the fetal position in the bed) I convinced John and Cassie to bring me home before picking up her mother at the airport. And it was during the car ride where all illusions of grandeur were lost. In what I have decided was probably food poisoning from work (i.e. I ate something while I had raw chicken juice on my hands) I spent the ride down lovely St Charles Avenue hanging out the window of my car (don't worry, John drove). Basically, I was in bed for 10:00 and slept till 9:30 this morning. So much for my wekend of fun.

 
I thought that the singing belly buttons were a bit disconcerting. The people at Lee Jeans have made that commercial seem almost comforting after seeing this. There is a good description of the ad here. This is REALLY scary. Thank god it's only running in Europe.

(links via freakgirl)

 
"I just always think, `Do I like it?' And if I like it, maybe other people will come and like it too."
Last night, Billy Wilder, the man behind such films as "Sunset Boulevard" and "Some Like It Hot" passed away. He was 95.

 
The family leaves tomorrow for four whole days. I think I am no longer going to be apathetic. Four whole days to myself. Tomorrow I am comning home with a bottle of wine and finding a good book. You know, now that Justin is single and I have the house to myself, I could REALLY cure this apathy thing

 
I found out some terrible news when I got home last night. News of the worst sort. This of course won't help my depression. But it seems it's official. Justin and Britney have split up. And apparently Britney wasn't to broken up about it because she married Richard Bacon, host of Britain's "The Big Breakfast" the other morning.

Does this mean that Justin is now single? I think I could concoct a few ways to get me out of my depression . . .

 
I have officially checked in to the Presidential Suite at the Apathy Hotel. For some reason, I just don't care. I am not sure how I got here, or how I am going to get out of it, but I am in one hell of a slump. So if you don't here from me for a few days, you know why.

 
Well, its spring break and all I am doing is working. Granted, I need the money, but why did I do this to myself? I go in to work at around 9 am and leave when everytrhing gets done. Usually around 4 or 5. All this succeeds in doing is making me incredibly unproductive when I get home. I know that I have papers and presentations due when I get back to school next week which I have yet to start on. Rather than take advantage of my time off, I am sure that I will continue to procrastinate and start on them at the last minute. Maybe it's the fact that the end is in sight. The realization that I am almost done with college is making me lazier than ever. I never really fell prey to senior-itis when I was in high school, so I guess I am making up for it now. Well, its spring break and all I am doing is working. Granted, I need the money, but why did I do this to myself? I go in to work at around 9 am and leave when everytrhing gets done. Usually around 4 or 5. All this succeeds in doing is making me incredibly unproductive when I get home. I know that I have papers and presentations due when I get back to school next week which I have yet to start on. Rather than take advantage of my time off, I am sure that I will continue to procrastinate and start on them at the last minute. Maybe it's the fact that the end is in sight. The realization that I am almost done with college is making me lazier than ever. I never really fell prey to senior-itis when I was in high school, so I guess I am making up for it now.

And how tragic is it that for my last spring break of my college career I am doing nothing but working? Aren't these supposed to be the best years of my life? Why am I not taking advantage of them? This post seems to be going nowhere fast so I will stop writing and find some other pointless diversion to entertain myself with.

 
I'm off to a job interview. Nothing too glamorous, just a waitstaff position at Semolina's. Basically, it means I will hopefully be freed from the cell that is the kitchen where I work now. And possibly more money. Keep your fingers crossed.

 
I know what would make me feel better if I had just lost my job and all of my retirement . . . I'd pose nude.

 
Just A Simple Question

In a restroom, when they have a sign that reads "Employees Must Wash Hands," is that for the benefit of the employees or the customers? Either way, is it supposed to make me feel good?

 
Hmmm . . . I wonder how accurate these Oscar predictions will be?

 
Last night with James was fun. we went to . . . Oh hell, just read the report of the evening from James. Although he did forget to mention that the drag hostess made four separate "Flipper" references. We were really praying that she would go all out and make a "Lassie" reference as well, but were sorely disappointed.

 



This pretty much explains how my night was last night. If you want more, Jonno has pictures.

 
The latest in a long line of unbelievable junk emails.
Is there really anyone stupid enough to fall for this?

DR. JOSEPH WAYAS(JP)

Email: josephwayas@???????
LAGOS NIGERIA

Sir,

URGENT AND RELIABLE BUSINESS PARTNER.

Due to the nature of this transaction, being utterly confidential and utmost secrecy, I must start by soliciting your strict confidence. You have been recommended by an associate who assured me in confidence of your ability and reliability to prosecute a transaction of great magnitude involving a pending business transaction requiring maximum confidence. We are top officials of the newly constituted Federal Government Contract Review Panel who are interested in importation of goods into our country with funds which are presently trapped in Nigeria. In order to commence this business we solicit your assistance to enable us transfer into your account the said-trapped funds. During the Regime of our immediate past Head of State, Gen, Abdusallam Abubakar, the government officials set up companies and awarded themselves contracts and licences which were not in conformity with the normal procedures and existing regulations for the award of such contracts and these contracts were grossly over-invoiced in various Ministries. The present civilian government of Olusegun Obasanjo set up a Contract Review Panel to scrutinize these improperly awarded contracts and to implement the aspect of Foreign Debt Servicing relating to the debts owed to foreign contractors as contained in Part H (II), Schedule (xxvii) of the 2001 Federal Budget, we have identified a lot of inflated contract funds which are presently floating in the Central Bank of Nigeria. However, by virtue of our position as civil servants and members of this Panel, we cannot acquire this money in our names. I have therefore, been delegated as a matter of trust by my colleagues of the Panel to look for an Overseas partner into whose account we would transfer the sum of US$28,200,000.00 (Twenty Eight Million, Two Hundred Thousand US Dollars) We are willing and have agreed to compensate you with 20% of the funds for your assistance and cooperation in the actualization of this pending project and for providing us with a viable foreign account into which the said funds would be transferred, we have also agreed that 10% of the fund would be set aside to settle accruing taxation and all local and foreign expenses particularly telephone costs. It is from the remaining 70% of the funds which is our share as originators of the project that we wish to commence the importation business, please note that this transaction is 100% safe and we hope to commence the transfer latest in ten(10) banking days from the date of receipt of the following information by E-MAIL i.e, your banker's name and address, account number, telephone and fax number. The above information will enable us write letters of claim and job description respectively. This way we will use your company's name or your name to apply for payments . We are looking forward to doing business with you and solicit your confidentiality in this transaction.
Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter using my email address:josephwayas@??????

I will bring you into the complete picture of this pending
project when I have heard from you.

Yours faithfully,

DR. JOSEPH WAYAS(JP)

It's good to know that at least they are starting to get more creative.

 
I know that I haven't really updated in a while, but I have been having trouble translating experience into a readable, comprehensible format. But now that my brain has returned...



A Public Service Announcement from Your's Truly

Do you seem to attract unavailable men? Does that boy who you have obsessed over for the past month in class turn out to be straight? Here's the soultion to your problems. Come to the next SW/GM Swap Meet. Finally a place where unavailable men become available!


SW/GM Swap Meets are the perfect place to turn that cute straight boy in for a cute gay boi. Basically straight women (SW) and gay men (GM) come together for even swaps. It seems that gay men only obsses over straight boys and straight women can only find gay men. So here's the solution. Once a month both groups come together to help level the playing field. All merchandise is thouroughly examined at the door and then given a rating from 1 to 10. Once the merchandise has been evaluated, it can be traded accordingly. All exchanges are to be even, therefore no one feels like they were cheated. This way you can't pawn off that stalker for a hot gym boy. However, you can trade multiple boys for one, so long as it is even. So three obnoxious frat boys (combined value of 9) can be traded for one really cute geeky boi (9). This way, it works out for everyone.


New Orleans SW/GM Swap Meets are held once a month at the Veterans Blvd Holiday Inn in Metairie.


If you want to start a chapter in your home town, just contact me.


**If you are a straight boy, you just have to align yourself with a gay man in order to participate. Sorry, you must have a chaperone to enter.**

 
I'd probably watch March Madness on TV if it promised to be half as interesting as this.

I also planned to write a rant on this but someone else beat me to it and did it much better.

There might even be a real update in store for some time later today.

 
Did anyone else just see Ian McKellen kiss a very unsuspecting Jimmy Fallon?

 
Blogger is working again, thank god (I might be a little too attached). It was driving me nuts that for some reason the picture I tried to post wasn't loading. Of course, once I fixed the problem, Blogger was telling me that it couldn't publish anything. Basically I had a big blank space on my page for 4 hours.

I went to A Capellooza tonight at Tulane where I got to see both Green Envy and Them perform. I was in heaven. Green Envy did a rendition of "Ants Marching" and Them did "Two Step", with none other than James on vocals. If one of the groups had performed either "Dancing Nancies" or "Dreaming Tree" I would have turned to a puddle of goo. I know, I know, Dave Matthews. I guess I have a little frat boy in me somewhere, (pun intended) even though I was listening to them well before he made it ok for frat boys to be sensitive.

 
Ahh, to reminisce. Kristal just posted pictures from Mardi Gras online. Now I am starting to miss everyone and wish that we could all get together again before next year. (I'm not sure how feasable that is going to be since the planned location is Thailand). Well here's the Former Colonies group (US, Canada, Australia = Former British Colonies) so that Faces can be put to people who I've talked about. And also just because a picture would be a nice change of pace from my drab layout.



Also, if anyone plans to be in the area of Superior Grill tomorrow night around 8:00 feel free to stop in and have a drink with me at my belated birthday dinner.

 
I realize that I am few days late with this, but it seems that congratulations are in order. The Big Easy Awards nominations are out for theater and it seems that the Running With Scissors crew managed to garner six nominations. There were four for Hedwig which came as no surprise: Best Musical, Flynn for best actor, Dorian for best supporting actress, and Carl Walker and Richard for best direction. The troupe also got two nominations for Camille: best comedy and Amanda for costume design (This of course being their only production which I haven't seen at all).

In other news, I am starting to wonder what has happened to Mr. Paucity of Updates. Whatever he is doing, I hope he is enjoying himself. Just don't forget about the rest of us. Some of us are curious about a certain screening of Showgirls. (It should be interesting to see this with more of a gay sensibility. Last time I saw it I just was reeling from the idea of Jessie Spano as a showgirl).

 
Was reading email (i.e. avoiding school work) and felt the need to post a quote from one:

"It's pretty much the equivalent of thinking you have a watermelon lodged in your colon, and then discovering it's actually a giant pearl."

Granted, Sahnnon is from Australia, so maybe I can write it of to a language barrier, but I doubt it.

Just thought I would let everyone share in the little aneurism this is causing me right now

 
Today my soap opera group met for Feminist TV Criticism. That's right, I've been watching "The Young and the Restless" on and off for the past three weeks. (I can hear my readership dropping as I write this). It's been an "educational" experience. The plot lines are really convoluted. I can't keep track of any of the plot lines. And it doesn't really help that some stories and characters disappear for days and even weeks at a time. Though today I learned a lot of the history behind the different chracters. My favorite is the Victor/Nikki plot. Apparently Victor and Nikki were married, then divorced. Nikki then married her OB-GYN whom she was involved in an accident with. Her husband died and she was in a coma. Victor apparently felt that one of Nikki's dying wishes would be to be married to him again. So he married a coma patient (don't ask me how that works). Then she woke up from the coma (in perfect soap opera form) and they remained married for a while but got divorced again. And currently it looks as if they may be heading towards a third marriage.

I don't know about anyone else, but if the first two times didn't work, I seriously doubt I would give a marriage a third try.

Anyways, our group project is due Thursday, which will coincide with the end of me watching soaps. I will return to the only TV I watch, infomercials at three a.m.. They're more fun anyway.

 
I just read this article and am now totally incensed. I can't believe that this has received so little attention.

(link via East/West)

 
Does anyone else find this creepy?




It doesn't make it any easier to fall asleep at 3:00 am when you flip to this infomercial. It's like Hannibal Lecter in a bath robe. Honestly, is it really necessary that a person needs to look like Jason from "Halloween" just to get rid of a few crows feet?

Just imagine a little kid walking in on his mother wearing one of these. I don't think I'd sleep for a week. Hell, I don't think I'd sleep for a week if I saw that at my age now.

 
Well, it's official, 22 doesn't feel any different from 21. I'm off to class but there will be a real update later.

 
I can at least be thankful that my birthday is not today. If so, I would have to share it with both Osama bin Laden and James Earl Ray.

You could always buy me something to brighten my day tomorrow. I do have to share my birthday with Lawrence Welk and the six month anniversary of 9/11.

 
I've decided not to take the production assistant job for MTV next weekend. It seems that the MTV gods felt tulane professors worthy enough to find them production assistants for next weekend when Road Rules will be in the area.

Apparently, nothing can be simple with MTV though. There are actually two contact people, Rebecca and Brooke, who we have to deal with. One is constantly referrring you to the other and they both give cinflicting information. Not to mention that Brooke is a psychotic, demanding bitch. She refuses to tell anyone what we will be doing or how much we will be paid. This, of course, makes it difficult for a professor to hastily write recommendation letters for us. (which, by the way, Brooke demanded be written and faxed to her within all of five minutes). What exactly is someone supposed to write?

"TJ is a good student. Since I am not sure what he will be doing, I will just say he is good at everything. He can perform a triple bypass, is talented on the trapeze, and is a whiz with an espresso machine. Also, I am fairly sure that he would love to be your bitch for a weekend, all the while making sweatshop pay."

What we have surmised is that Brooke is actually Rebecca's split personality. Not that Rebecca is all that nice, but in comparison... Essentially, very few of us have actually decided to take this job. The bitches at MTV and Bunim Murray will just have to go to Starbucks themselves. Ha Ha. They will probably have to pay for their coffee when I could have gotten it for free.

If your around next weekend, keep you eyes peeled for Road Rules. If you do happen to find them, do me a favor and make life difficult for them. Especially since no one is supposed to know that they will be in town.

 
On Monday I will be turning 22. It now occurs to me that I\it is pretty much uneventful from this point on. When you think about it, I do not have another milestone birthday until 30. That's a little scary to think about. Maybe, you can count 25, but really, whats so great about that? You can finally rent a car? Not something I am really excited about. James, on the other hand has a special place in his heart for rental cars.

Despite such maudlin, introspective thoughts, last night was interesting. It started out with buying the glasses and spiraled down from there. I had drinks with Stacie whose boyfriend of two years broke up with her. Basically a lot of bitching and Galaga at the Half-Moon. After such a heterosexual activity, I felt the need to plunge myself deep into the world of homosexuality (pun intended, though I wasn't able to make good on it). I winded up making a few bets that I am afraid I will still be held to. Despite the fact that someone managed to remain unscathed in the entire deal-making episode. How that is I don't know, but I think it needs to be rectified.

 
Today actually turned out pretty good. I went to the optometrist today who basically told me what I already know - I need glasses. While I could bemoan such a plight, I choose to see it in a different light. I get to buy a new accessory. To top it off, I convinced the 'rents to pay for them, and they even gave me a decent budget to work with. So Kristi and I are off to shop tomorrow afternoon.

Tonight I got to hang out with James. We went to eat at Juan's Flying Burrito. Good food. Large portions. Cheap prices. We even ran into Jonno and the manstress while we were there. Then we wrapped up the evening with drinks at The Columns where we couldn't have been more erudite if we had tried.

 
I recently rediscovered my Michael P. Smith books from a few semesters ago. I have decided that I really want to own one of his photographs. Seeing as how I spent my last six bucks on gas for my car today so I can get to and from work and school for the rest of the week, that is not likely to happen soon.

I really do love his work though. Especially the work he did in the spiritual churches of New Orleans in the 70's. It is really amazing. The fact that he spent months attending these services before he even considered asking to take photographs makes me admire him even more.

Realizing his talent makes the fact that he is beginning to suffer from Alzheimer's all the more tragic.

 
Hmmm...juicy Real World gossip. I wonder if it's really true?

 
Yeah! I got to meet James today when I went to get coffee at PJ's. And by total chance, Kaytie dropped by to get coffee so I got to meet her as well. It's so nice to finally put a face to the people I read.

But in totally unrelated news....

I was informed by a friend today that my birthday is the six month anniversary of September 11. In addition to the fact that my birthday probably won't get it's usual national media coverage, it will now probably be a day of depression. My birthday usually gets swallowed up by midterms and general mid-semester insanity, but this year there will be even more craziness going on.

You know, if you want to cheer me up, you could always buy me something.

 
Do you know what I hate? Getting out of work a half-hour late forcing me to rush to a class that winds up being canceled. This is all because the man I work for is completely computer illiterate. As a result I spent the last 40 minutes of my shift, and another 20 that weren't on my shift, on the phone with Bank One attempting to reinstall his online banking software and get the bank to resend all of our old data to the new computer.

And why is it that whenever I call a computer tech help line I either get someone with an accent so thick I can never understand what they are saying, or a overweight, sweaty man who likes to breathe heavily into the phone while he waits for my computer to reboot? Does he know that the heavy breathing isn't nearly as effective if he has already held a twenty minute conversation with me?

 
I know that I am poor, but I refuse to stoop to this level. Not yet anyways.

 
I was just watching television and saw a commercial for speed stick deodorant. Just out of curiosity, what does lightning smell like? And why would anyone want to smell like lightning?

 
A Few Random, Unrelated Pieces of Information

1. I got a very interesting piece of junkmail today for diabetic socks. Not quite sure if that is socks for people who are diabetic or socks that happen to have diabetes. Can socks really have a problem with blood sugar?

2. Went to the movies tonight and saw a woman whose face was the most unnatural orange color I have ever seen on a human being. It was as if an entire bottle of bronzer had spilled on her face. Making it more surreal was the fact that she was in her forties with a bad dye job, wearing a skimpy mohair jacket, with two children in tow. If I was her child, she would give me nightmares.
Note: If you are going to faux tan, try and make sure it is evenly distrubuted amongst all of your body. Or at least the parts that are usually exposed when wearing clothing.

3. I have recently discovered just how humorous romance novels can be. No, I havent read one. But reading the back covers can be infinitely entertaining. A friend of mine has a VERY large collection of them. One series was set in the "old west" and the tag line is "how the west was wed." Maybe it is my own twisted sense of humor, but doesn't that sound like something Elmer Fudd would say? No? Try saying it out loud. (She said she could never read that series again, now. All she would be able to think about is Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny dressed as a girl.)