Explosion

Last night it all came out. In one big drunken explosion. I was out with everyone. The Canadian was there too. We laughed. We drank. We danced. Then it happened. After a odd conversation over a cigarette, we went back inside. He met a boy. A boy he didn't know. I was fine with the making out. He's not mine and I have no claim to him. I"ve been fine with it every other time it's happened.

But this time it was different. This time it was a show. For me. Every time he looked at me, I could see it in the look he gave me. It was manipulative. It was cruel. I was furious. He had taken advantage of the way I felt for him. Even though I've never told him, he knew. But it wasn't just the romantic feelings that made it hurt so much. It was the fact that we were friends. We were friends from the beginning and have remained friends. That's what really hurt. He took advantage of all of me. When I am truly a friend, I'm totally open. You get all of me. I let all of my defenses down. And he came at me last night when I was totally unarmed. It's been a long time since I felt pain like that, since I had to be held back from starting a fight. Since I walked alone for hours in a strange city I barely know. Since I came close to crying myself to sleep.

 
Well, here I am in Vancouver. This city is absolutely beautiful. We have been doing a great deal of sightseeing and shopping around town. That and eating and drinking -- constantly. Last night we went to a Brazilian restaurant and ate an all meat buffet. I don't think I have ever consumed that much red meat in one night. And it showed. Our bill was over 700 bucks.

Tomorrow we are supposed to be going to Whistler to see the village and some of us are going to ski. I, however, have opted to hang out in front of the fire and search out hot ski instructors.

Then it's more clubbing and eating till we change venues and head to Seattle for New Years. We have no clue what we are doing so if anyone knows what's going on in Seattle for New Year's Eve, please let me know. Pretty, pretty please?

If I don't get back to a computer before then, Happy New Year's.

 
Christmas here was good. It was spent with with both family and friends, (in order to preserve my sanity), and now I am off to Vancouver for New Year's to visit some friends.

Hopefully, you'll here from me soon. If not, it means I have decided to illegally move to Canada.

 
I think I have reached a point of gayness from which I can never go back.

Last night, after the family festivities were over John and I found ourselves at the Bourbon Pub singing along to "Hard Candy Christmas"

Regardless, I'd like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Solstice, Holiday Season, etc.

 
I now remember why I always say I'll get my christmas shopping done earlier every year. Becuase I am often driven to psychotic rage when shopping this late.

Today I went to Toys R Us. I know, going there this close to christmas I deserve whatever I get. I think that I could have handled the crowds, pissy parents and screaming children if it hjadn't been for the ride there. The trip there was punctuated by insane amounts of traffic, pouring rains and mild street flooding. That's right, if christmas shopping weren't bad enough, I had to deal with the mildly flooded streets of Metairie.

But I am officially done with the christmas shopping. So I think I am going to curl up in the fetal position on my bed with some wine and a movie.

 
So yeah, in, like fourteen days I'll be in Vancouver. I am, like, sooo excited.

**This post brought to you by the 14 year old girl who lives inside me**

 
Imagine, if you will, a lovely holiday home tour situated in one of the more affluent neighborhoods of New Orleans. Can you smell the live garlands and scented candles? Imagine enjoying a glass of wine or cider while you nibble on canapes.

Then you wake up and realize that you merely work at the coffee shop/restaurant in said affluent neighborhood. You will instead spend your day serving these women who seem to not know what a tip is. And you swear to god that if you have to see one more rude woman who will only tip six cents when she paid for a $30.00 meal, while wearing one of the tackiest christmas sweaters you have ever seen, you are going to snap and fling hot coffee in her face.

Of course, this is totally a hypothetical situation. Which is why I need a hypothetical drink. Actually, make that several.

 
All I can hear outside right now is police sirens and honking horns. No, there hasn't been some major accident. It's just a parade of Santas on motorcycles going down the highway. It's a wonder sometimes why I like living here.

 
Yesterday I received some spam with the subject: Elves Love Sex Toys Too!. Today I deleted one with Mrs. Clause Loves Kama Sutra in the subject heading.

I'm not sure what is going on at the North Pole, but they better stop fucking around long enough to deliver some presents.

I'm now just waiting for the email about the reindeer and the beastiality.

 
There are things that I now know that I wish I hadn't discovered. At certain times, ignorance can be bliss. Right now I can't eat or sleep. I can barely think straight. I have a rather big piece of information and I don't know what to do with it. Expext a lot of very vague posts for a litle while. There are things that just shouldn't be put on the net, but I don't see how what I just learned is isn't going to crep up into everything I do.

 
Well, I am leaving in a few short hours. The Canadian left this afternoon, after a long weekend of some quality time. I, of course, got choked up like I always do when he leaves. Luckily this wasn't one of those indefinite goodbye's. I know that I will see him in a month when a bunch of us are going to visit a friend in Vancouver right after Christmas. But despite that, it's always somewhat bittersweet to see him because while the time I spend with him is amazing, it also makes me realize that this is something that just can't happen. It seems that the fates are against us. The entire continental United States seperates us and we both have very different plans for our lives. But whose to say, right?

But Montreal was a blast. I got to play in the snow, check out grad schools and visit somewhere I hadn't been before. Speaking of which, as it stands, with the planned Christmas/New Year's trip to Vancouver, I will have hit the three major Canadian cities in one year. Maybe one of my resolutions should be to try and stay home a bit more.

Soon, though I will be returning home. Home to the sweltering land of New Orleans. But is is a place that I appreciate and am looking forward to be getting back to. And as such, to ensure that I don't oversleep and miss my flight, I'm just staying up so that I can catch my cab at 6:15. Which is what finds me here in an internet cafe a few blocks from my hotel at 2:30 in the morning. So if any of you at home don't here from me tomorrow, don't get upset, it just means I'm sleeping.