Just so everyone knows, I got to see Bob Dylan live yesterday, and for free.

That is all.

 
I know I haven't written in a while. Life's been crazy and I am being worked to death. And I also went through a break-up. With who? Some tall dark and handsome stranger, you might ask?

No. It was a realtionship that was inevitably going to end from the beginning. It was probably the age difference if you ask me. I mean, she was three and I am 23. My computer and I have finally parted ways. I think she may have found someone new through a peer 2 peer program like Kazaa or Win MX. And when she realized that she couldn't be with someone new and was tired of being with me, she just up and committed suicide one morning. She probably thinks she left me devastated, but I have news for her, I'm trading up for a newer model. So there, bitch.

So, sometime this weekend a new computer will be purchased and hopefully I will have lovely, sweet, computer and internet access again.

 
Want to ensure your place in hell? Go dress up jesus for Easter. Personally, I like the outfit with the sundress, hat and pumps.

 
During my recent trip to the coffee savanna, I encountered a pack of another interesting species, one which is quite abundant.

Self-Important Customer
(humanus cellularis)

This species is very easily identified by the growth on their ear that resembles a cell phone. The alpha males of the species often will only sport an ear piece sized growth. To this creature, the idea of waiting in line is preposterous. They deserve to be helped immediately, which they often make abundantly clear to the barristas and other customers around them.

They have adapted so well to the cell phone-looking appendage, which makes them slightly deaf, that they have developed their own sign language when ordering. Unfortunately, they are the only ones who actually understand this language. The less mature of the species typically are not fluent in signing their order and simply expect everyone to be able to read their lips. This is a chracteristic not only of the partial deafness, but also the fact that they would never deign to speak to a lowly barrista or other service personnel.

Their larvae exhibit many of the same traits, except they trade business attire for trendy Abercrombie clothing.

Both are easily defeated by the barrista making a point to ask as many questions as possible, and never all at once. Rather, stringing them out over a long period so that the phone call is regularly interrupted.

 
Everyone must go and visit Dionne Warwick's Cosmic Peephole. It's scary how right she can be sometimes.

According to her:

I have a decaying human head in the refrigerator vegetable crisper. (which, while true, is really redundant, because where else would I have a vegetable crisper but in the fridge.)

I sport a high-security chastity belt to match those sensible shoes. (I think she may be right about this as well considering how long it has been since I've had some good lovin'.)

She also said that:

Brain Dead Senior Lady has a vast personal collection of bodily fluids in test tubes -- and is adding a ladle of fresh mucous to it now. (Which would explain why she always smells like pee.)

[via Rhinoceros]

 
In my quest to explore the coffeehouse biome, I received some field notes on three species from a lovely blogger who is much funnier and dead on than I could ever hope to be:

Fat Cow
(Orca Slobitus)

- Each order takes 10 minutes
- might as well give them EVERYThing.
- They always sweat. A lot.
- They lick their lips in greedy anticipation of the treats to come.
- Have a knack for balancing several plates at the same time, and can negotiate their way around crowded dining rooms with surprising ease, given their huge girth.
- Like to bond with Barrista's/Service personnel - so that they don't get laughed at.

Brain Dead Senior Lady
(Grandma Forgetus)

- Can't complete order on their own
- you try to help - they get all cranky.
- Carry more shit in their purses than the 8th Battalion brought to Iraq.
- Smell like pee.
- Want extra napkins.
- Often accuse staff of ripping them off.
- Forget why they're there.
I also have to add that they tend to take forever unpacking their purses to find their money. Typically, this means that their belongings and purchases will be spread all over the counter preventing anyone else from being able to order. This is an attempt to mark their territory. Also, they always complain that it's too cold inside, whatever the thermostat may read which supports the belief that they really are cold blooded.

Chick On Speed
(Anorecta Amephetimus)

- Not nearly as cool as the Band of same name.
- Mumble orders at the speed of light - and then, get really loud.
- Average weight :: 54 lbs.
- Finding money on their person turns into huge, embarrassing MAJOR FLAIL.
- Actually - turns out they don't HAVE any money.
- Look horrible…but they don't know that.
- Never eat; just want coffee; shocked that they can't smoke within establishment; really - all they want is the bathroom key
- everything else was just a "clever" ruse to get the bathroom key…..need the BATHROOM KEY!!!

And I have another to add:

The Hoarder
(Borderlinus Kleptus)

This species tends to need a lot of stuff. It is a widely held belief that they are a member of the rodent family, due to the fact that they hoard things in a manner similar to squirrels and rats, and they all smell the same. They are easily identified by their large purses which are not-so-covertly filled with sugar packets, creamers, and whatever else they can get their hands on. If caught, they will simply use tell you that they couldn't get to the grocery and assume that you won't mind.

A variant of this species is not interested in actually taking the materials. Instead they are identified by a disproportionate amount of paraphanelia in comparison their purchases. For example, if one of these creatures were to purchase a medium iced tea, they would take no less than 28 sugar packets to their table where they would only use three. Or they might need eight napkins two forks, a knife and three spoons in order to consume a cup of soup. Also noted for their inability to pick up behind themselves.

 
If patient enough, one is lucky enough to observe the always annoying, yet potential jackpot known as:

The Tourist
(humanus kitschus travelous)

The Tourist is an amazing breed that is the subject of many current studies do their abiliy to ask an infinite number of questions, despite the stupidity of the questions. Often known to ask directions to places less than three blocks away. They are easily identified by their tacky clothing, cameras, large maps and fanny packs. Baristas and other Service Industry Workers are their key prey, often falsely displaying every ounce of stereotypical "local color" the Tourist expects to see in order to obtain large tips. This species is easily warded off by prominently displaying the phrase, "If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?"

 
In my trips to the coffee house jungle, I have encountered many different species, though none were so irritating as the:

Cheap Bitch
(humanus thriftus)

Despite the name of this creature, it can be found it both male and female forms. It is very abundant due to the fact that it has no real predators. Service Industry Workers (SIW) often threaten it, but rarely do they prey upon it, due to their instincts to be nice to everyone, even if it is fake. The Cheap Bitch is easily spotted in the wild by their addiction to change. They often pay their bill with exact change and leave no tip or on the rare occasions that they do not have exact change, they will pick the quarters (and in rare occasions dimes) out of the change received before leaving a tip consisting of pennies and nickels. Many will use the excuse that they have laundry to do, but SIW's see through their lies when they drive off in their BMW's. This species can be observed at all hours of the day. They are identifiable by their ability to hold up lines so they can find exact change. Ironically, they are often unable to do simple math.

 
Today, in the world of coffee house ethnography, we take a look at the:

Skim Nazi
(humanus contradictus)

The Skim Nazi is the well known cousin of the Decaf Nazi. It shares many of the same traits such as the screech as the repetitive asking if it's skim milk. However, the Skim Nazi can be observed at almost any time of day or night. The most identifiable aspect of the Skim Nazi is the sense of humor that they think they posses. Often, after being assured that their beverage is being made with skim they will ask for whipped cream or chocolate to be added to the beverage. The more daring types will even ask for a dessert such as cheesecake. Typically this request is accompanied by the comment that they got their drink made with skim so that it would balance out the "extras." This remark is always followed by a chuckle. Often the Skim Nazi is under the impression that:

a) They are the first person to ever use this humorous line of reasoning and the barista is sure to laugh out loud at their creative wit

b)This remark, is in fact so witty, that a barista never grows tired of hearing it and it. Actually, it brightens their day to be regaled with such humor.

Sadly, both lines of reasoning are wrong, and the Skim Nazi's humor can be easily squelched by the eye-rolling of the Surly Barista.